We Don't Have To Know (M)
by DesertFlower303
Summary: An internal dialogue of Elena and Stefan's break up at the beginning of S4.


She wants to touch him, she wants to lift her palm to his face, to find some way to soothe his pain. He shouldn't be going through this, they shouldn't be having this conversation. Everything escalated so quickly, all of it got so out of control and she hates herself for all of it; for not trusting him, for not telling him what was going on until it was practically in his face. She wants to tell him she loves him, but she can't. She wants to reach out for him, but she feels dirty... unworthy... as though her touch for him now would do nothing but burn and break him.

"I'm sorry..." Elena states and she is, more than she can ever say. She never planned this, having feelings for Damon. She didn't know what it meant or why things had changed so quickly. She _loved_ Stefan, she knew that with everything inside of her, but she couldn't deny that her feelings for Damon had been growing, that the pull toward him was too strong to deny anymore. She needed to figure things out, she wanted to figure things out... but sitting here, face to face with Stefan... _her_ Stefan... she _hated_ herself. She'd chosen _him_. She wanted _him_. She still did. Her heart was screaming at her, pleading with her to hold on, that they could get past this... but another part of her felt an awful sense of dread. She didn't want to hurt him anymore, she wanted to love him... but then there was Damon... She tore her eyes away from Stefan. She couldn't look at him, not like this...

"You know when I was the uh..." Stefan speaks tentatively. It's still so hard to say it "...the Ripper... I understood why you cared for him." He meets her eyes carefully. She can see the pain in his eyes he's trying to hide, but she also sees understanding. "Hell I practically drove you to it..."

Elena grimaced internally. He wanted her to know that he saw what was happening, what had been happening... Elena felt sick. She should be the one feeling guilty, she shouldn't even be in his presence right now, but it was Stefan who was feeling the guilt, Stefan who was blaming himself.

"But now..." He doesn't understand, she can hear it in his voice. He sounds exhausted... worn down... Elena's heart aches listening to him. She wants to tell him she loves him, that she's sorry, that she wants to make this work... but he has something to say and she can hear how hard it is for him. His sadness is thick, almost tangible. She can feel it like a penetrating force reaching inside of her. This is hard for him, harder than anything he's said to her and she knows it, feels it, that sense of dread brewing inside of her again.

Stefan shakes his head sadly. "I can't do this Elena..." He meets her eyes momentarily and the shock of it hits her instantly. She looks at him, her mouth falling open but no words come out. "...Not anymore." He finishes, his jaw clenching. There is so much sadness in his eyes. He's trying to hide it, but she sees through him. He's in pain... so much pain all because of her... her and her worthless heart... she wants to say 'no', she wants to plead with him, 'we can get through this', but seeing what she's done to him, how loving her is making him suffer... and then there's Damon... she wants to tell Stefan that she can stop these feelings, but she knows somehow that she can't. She can't promise him that this won't get in between them. She wants Stefan, but she also wants Damon... and she can't pretend anymore. Stefan deserves better than her. _He deserves someone who only wants him, who's not conflicted..._

It's killing her, knowing everything he's done for her... and for Damon. All this time, all those summer months not knowing if Stefan was alive, having him back, everything that had happened, all the pain and struggle and love... all this time she's held onto Stefan, her heart had been only for Stefan... god... all the times she'd sworn that it would always be Stefan... even after he'd threatened to drive her off wickery bridge... She'd tried to hate him... she'd tried to make herself stop loving him, but she never could. She'd never been able to rid her heart of him. He was always there, embedded into her so deep she couldn't pull him out even if she tried.

She'd meant it with every fibre of her being when she'd chosen him, when she'd promised him forever... but thing were so complicated now. As hard as she'd fought to keep Damon out, he only seemed to be creeping in more every day. It was too much to deny anymore. He consumed her and for the first time she wasn't afraid. He'd saved her, just like he'd always said he would. She owed him her life, but it was more than that. She couldn't keep pretending he meant nothing to her. She didn't know what he was to her. All she knew was she needed to figure it out. But Stefan... _her_ Stefan... the last thing she wanted to do was give up, but looking at him now... she knew she had to. If she stayed all she would do is hurt him more...

For the first time since becoming a vampire, Elena truly felt like a monster. Only a monster could manage to break a heart as beautiful and pure as Stefan's... only a monster could betray him like this... Tears welled in her eyes as she said the only thing she could in that moment.

"I know."

Stefan nods, the finality of it hitting them both like a shot to the gut. Stefan turns his head forward, dropping in defeat. Her gaze lingers on him until she can't bear it anymore. She looks away trying to hold back her the tears burning in her eyes. Only she could understand the significance of his words... The depth of his love... The depth of his pain. Even now he wants her to know that he loves her... and she can't say it back. She wants to but she can't. These are things they once shared so intimately from a time when they'd never seen an end to their love.

Elena misses those times. She misses the clarity and certainty... but now... she has to let him go... because she is a monster... she hates herself, her mom hates her, and now Stefan is going to hate her too... Tears spilled over, rolling down her cheeks as Stefan rises silently, turning to face her one last time, hands by his side, unable to move, barely able to look at her. Their eyes meet for a few moments and both can see each other plain. Elena's lips tremble in self hatred and overwhelming sadness. _Stefan deserves better _she thinks, _and I deserve to die_...

Stefan's heart wrenches at the sight of her tears, the pain and guilt so evident in her beautiful eyes and face. He wants to take her in his arms and never let her go, but this is a pain they cannot share. This is a pain they must bear apart. So he leaves silently, unable to speak and no longer able to contain the grief threatening to overcome every part of him, a grief he can't bear to show in her presence... not this time... he strides, speeding away as soon as he can. Somewhere he finds himself against a tree, slamming his fist into the trunk as he falls to his knees, bitter, angry tears spilling down his face as it really hits him. He's lost her... and this time he doesn't know if there's a way back.


End file.
